


Ode

by ARMY_BRAT



Category: Kim Jonghyun - Fandom, SHINee
Genre: Drabble, RIP Jonghyun, Something for me to get my feelings out, Vague Character, memorium
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-19
Updated: 2017-12-19
Packaged: 2019-02-16 21:02:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13062084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ARMY_BRAT/pseuds/ARMY_BRAT
Summary: There are no words and there will never be.





	Ode

**Author's Note:**

> After what occurred yesterday, I honestly don’t know what to feel, so I turned to the only thing that helps me cope: writing. This is just some Drabble and the character speaking isn’t necessarily named, but I needed to write something to wrap my head around the fact that he’s actually gone. No offense is meant by this, but all emotions are valid and this is just exploratory thinking.
> 
> Mental health is a serious issue and if you ever feel isolated, lonely, frustrated, or depressed, please talk to someone. You are valued and loved even if you don’t feel like it. Also, never feel ashamed for thinking the way you do. A lot of people will make you feel dumb or like a horrible person for having depressive or suicidal thoughts, but every human emotion is valid and it’s ok to feel this way sometimes, but please talk to someone.
> 
> Our inbox is always open.

There was once a dream so vibrant it become a nightmare. One that I found myself trapped in, smothered by an ungrateful ocean flooding my lungs with salt that burned worse than my greatest fear.

And I thought, who could save me?

Would anyone notice that I was no longer treading water but now drowning?

Perhaps no one noticed because I smiled.

I smiled so brightly I rivaled the sun. I rivaled the stars and the moon on its greatest night.

My feet ache.

I don't know how long I've been walking but I know that I'm tired and my skin is cracked and bleeding, my bare feet abused and tortured. Will I show anyone? No, I'll just put on my shoes. My socks won't mind the stains. I can always wash them anyway.

Oh, but can I wash away this feeling? Is there away to permanently remove this mark on my soul?

“No”, they say. It's just something you have. Forever.

I understand this but it hurts so much to realize what's growing inside me. Yet, I love so much. So very deeply that it spills out of me and fills all the little spaces in my life. The whispered words, the smallest of breaths, the heaviest of sighs. The cracks in all of weathered and broken hearts.

I know that you all love me. It is what helps me sleep at night. I roll and toss, shove my pillow between my legs, but you're there behind my eyelids, all of you, your faces so beautiful as they surround me from every side.

I don't want to go. I don't have to go. But when will you see that I need to go?

I know what will happen. Some of you will cry. I cried too. Someone of you will be angry. I'm angry too. Some of you will be happy for me.

I don't know what to think of that.

All I know is that in this world, happiness is a term that has never really been defined and yet all I can do is spell it over and over in my head as if one day the answer will occur to me.

It hasn't.

Try to understand that it wasn't easy. Nothing ever is. One man’s struggle is another man’s mountain. I was never good at climbing.

In the end, I see nothing but stars in the endless black of night. Each one of you has shown me this. That even in great darkness, the twinkle of better days can catch your eye and hold your gaze.

I loved you all so dearly, but the demons in me were the best of friends from the start.

Whatever happens, I want you to know:

You all did so well.

I'll say it again because this was never about you.

You did so well.

 


End file.
